burendasan4: (libraryscience)
IMG_1543

It was sometime in the middle of the week, perhaps two or three weeks ago. I decided to rush over after work to the Squirrel Hill neighborhood to deposit a check in the bank before it closed. Afterwards, I crossed the street to drop off a book at the Squirrel Hill branch of the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh. The thing was, I still had a few pages left to read but the book was due that day, so I decided to sit somewhere in the library and finish the last few pages. The Squirrel Hill branch of the CPL, renovated several years ago, sits on the second story of a building that's on the corner of Forbes and Murray Avenues, the very center of activity in Squirrel Hill. The two walls facing the street are made of steel and glass. Its modern design stands out from the much older buildings of the neighborhood.
I usually don't spend a lot of time at the Squirrel Hill library branch and instead quickly stop by to pick up a requested book or to drop off a book. But on that day, I found a seat in the reading area by the large windows facing the street. As I plopped my tired and stressed self down, I found, to my surprise, that the chair was very comfortable and that it tilted slightly upwards.
The book I was reading was called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Reading it had been a very positive, even experience for me. It made me realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of being an introvert and that introverts like myself can make a mark on the world, even if it's not in the extroverted way that seems to be idealized by society.
As I finished the book, which ended on a very positive and hopeful note, I sighed contentedly and looked up through the windows. It was starting to get dark but I could still see the clouds gathering above the buildings in the neighborhood, which were out of view. For a moment, I was far away from the commotion of the street below and the dreariness of winter. I then understood the architect's intention in designing this library. It was meant to be a sanctuary, above the stress of everyday life down below, where you could lose yourself in any book you choose, surrounded only by the sky. Before I got up to drop off the book and drive back home, I was compelled to take a picture of what I saw as an attempt to capture that brief moment when I felt content and happy with myself.
burendasan4: (libraryscience)
The prompt for today is MEMORY. I must admit, I had trouble getting stuff out using this prompt. Perhaps my mindset was just not in the right place. What I ended up writing ended up going all over the place, so what I have posted is an attempt to revise it a bit. In the end, however, what I finished with ended up being rather cathartic.


Whenever I hear music from the past, particularly music from my time as a teenager in middle school and high school, I am filled with nostalgia for what felt like simpler times. But when I when I look more deeply into what I really felt day to day, especially in school, I remember hating myself. I remember feeling miserable. So how can I remember feeling unhappy yet I feel so nostalgic when I hear that music play?

I am overcome by how memory has played a role in my life. Before, memories were often a source of comfort for me. But memories can deceive you, making you think that things were better in the past. However, in more recent years, often without realizing it, memories have come to haunt me. It's not so much what happened but how I felt at the time. I have discovered that those feelings have stayed with me, fresh and as recent-feeling as ever.

The two times I was home this last Thanksgiving and Christmas, I helped my mother sort through old family pictures. As I looked at pictures of myself and saw how unattractive I looked from the age of about 11 to 15, I started to feel physically ill. All energy went out of me. After a while, I had to take a break. I don't remember anything particularly bad that happened and I don't remember looking so unattractive but it seemed that my body had stored the memory of feeling that way. Could it have been the memory of feeling self-loathing that overwhelmed me to the point of I feeling ill?

Perhaps I am realizing that I can't rely on memories to feel happy. I must take off that veneer of nostalgia, that contradictory belief that things were better back then. Because they were not. Sometimes I think about the issues I have now and think that I have become a more flawed person but as I look back, I realize that these "flaws" have been there all along. Of course, I cannot forget about the good things going on with me back then, which is what I must keep in mind whenever I feel despair about the past. I also have to remember that there were a lot of limitations in my life back then that I don't have now. There were aspects of myself that I have since improved or overcome.

Yet I need to rely on those memories to help me understand how I came to be the way I am and to work through the issues that I have now. Instead of looking to good memories as a source of happiness, I am saving my mental energy to find happiness now.

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Brenda

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